With spring fast approaching and before it gets too hot to walk outside, we've put together a map of places in New Orleans where you can find all the items you need to put together a picnic. There's Donald Link's genius butcher shop, more than a few legendary NOLA establishments, some booze purveyors, and a po' boy shop to end all arguments. Get the goods, find a spot surrounded by southern green, and enjoy the hell out of that magical city.

There's still a few hours until the ceremony...

The Academy Award-nominated documentary Food, Inc. has been strongly affecting many moviegoers since its 2009 release, but now a new crowd says the film is leaving a bad taste in their mouths. The National Corn Growers Association—one of the industries portrayed negatively in the movie—is encouraging American corn farmers to protest the film’s Oscar nomination, even though the Academy’s voting period has already ended....

The quest for world domination can be approached in a variety of different methods. Politicians tend to apply the more economic pressures of tariffing and embargoing, whereas blood thirsty war lords like to approach the goal with weapons stockpiles and warfare threats. A gentleman, on the other hand, knows that to truly dominate the people of the earth, he simply needs to dance into their very souls and set up shop catering to man’s most innate desires, which seem to be a simple trinity of carnal pleasures, the motivation to nullify the brain through intoxication, and the basic deliciousness of food. In the below case, this gentleman prefers to focus on the latter, and walks through some logic on how he might become supreme ruler of the Earth assisted only with the luxuries of time travel.

OnceandFutureChef: if you could fuck around with a time machine
OnceandFutureChef: would you go into the future? or into the past?
OnceandFutureChef: (you can only go in one direction)
OnceandFutureChef: for instance, you could go to the future and just be shocked at all the new technology… but, you could go into the past and shock everyone else with your own knowledge of technology and shit
DizzyWizzard : definitely the past
DizzyWizzard : but not too far back where i have to compromise comfort
DizzyWizzard : id like to go far enough back where i’d be the shit with all my gizmos, but not too far back where shit sucks
DizzyWizzard : like i dont want to deal with the plague
OnceandFutureChef: i would def go to the dark ages
OnceandFutureChef: i’d “invent” things like pizza and donuts
OnceandFutureChef: become the head chef and confidante of the king and use him as my puppet for power
OnceandFutureChef: if i went into the future i would be a cave man
DizzyWizzard : hahaha
OnceandFutureChef: wouldn’t know how to work the telepathy machines
OnceandFutureChef: it would suck
DizzyWizzard : so you would go back in time and invent donuts
OnceandFutureChef: yeah, just be some super wise wizard, inventing the most delicious shit
OnceandFutureChef: hell i don’t think hamburgers were “invented” until the 50s
DizzyWizzard : invent alcohol
OnceandFutureChef: i think alcohol has been around since the dinosaurs
OnceandFutureChef: Neanderthals fermenting hooch in brontosaurus skulls and stuff. So that wouldn’t work
DizzyWizzard : you’re insane
DizzyWizzard : i like how being a chef would make you the most powerful dude in the realm
OnceandFutureChef: it would. can you imagine knowing the secrets of say Butter?
OnceandFutureChef: you’re the only guy that knows how to make butter
OnceandFutureChef: you’d be a ruler
DizzyWizzard : uh, i guess so
OnceandFutureChef: that’s how fucking Marco Polo was so big. spice trader
DizzyWizzard : well, he was also a sea fairing gent. and back then they thought the sea was filled with monsters
OnceandFutureChef: yeah
DizzyWizzard : that gave him slightly more cache
OnceandFutureChef: yeah he was the man. Importing spices and gunpowder. he was like the most powerful man in the world for a while
DizzyWizzard : but you’d just be fat and in the kitchen making shit
DizzyWizzard : not much of a swashbuckler
OnceandFutureChef: no, i would do all that shit
OnceandFutureChef: i’d invent like hot air balloon and do the spice and gun powder trading
OnceandFutureChef: it would be like magic
OnceandFutureChef: and remember, back in the day it was considered a sign of wealth to be rotund. a sign of success and wisdom
OnceandFutureChef: c’mon, being the only guy around that knows how to make french fries?
OnceandFutureChef: please, you’d be considered a god
OnceandFutureChef: fucking “invent” the meatball sub
OnceandFutureChef: be worshipped forever
DizzyWizzard : hahaha
DizzyWizzard : would you invent pizza or go straight to the pizzone?
DizzyWizzard : when would you introduce garlic butter dipping sauces?
DizzyWizzard : you’d have to stagger it all. allow their palates to adjust
OnceandFutureChef: blow their minds when we come out with the Taco
OnceandFutureChef: followed by the Burrito
OnceandFutureChef: followed by the Chalupa and so on
DizzyWizzard : what if your plan backfired and they got suspect of you and labeled you a Food Witch. They’d burn you at the stake
OnceandFutureChef: jesus you are right
DizzyWizzard : the whole town filled with the delicious fumes of your trans fat loaded gut as it roasted over an open fire
OnceandFutureChef: they would burn me alive. fucking pitchforks and torches all the way up the path to my estate
DizzyWizzard : an angry mob who no longer fear your powers cause they realize it wasnt magic. you just duped them with trans fats
OnceandFutureChef: i better rethink this fucking shit
DizzyWizzard : this is all very reminescent of an episode of ducktails in which Gyro Gearloose goes back in times and becomes the kings favorite subject thanks to his “inventions”
OnceandFutureChef: exactly
DizzyWizzard : was this whole debate inspired by that?
OnceandFutureChef: no, but i would love to see that again

Warm weather is coming and with it BBQ Season. Speaking for myself, I love to bring interesting wines to a BBQ. While the Wine Geek in me is always tempted to bring something esoteric to any gathering, BBQ’s call for something funky, fun and perhaps laid back.

One of the things that have become more laid back about wine the last few years is packaging. It used to be that if the wine wasn’t in a standard sized bottle and finished with a cork it was hard to take seriously. Not so anymore. Wines in boxes, tubes and bottles of all shapes and sizes are on the market now. They’re closed in traditional cork, screw caps, synthetic corks and more. Packaging in some cases has become fun and often the wines in these interesting containers are quite good. Today I’m looking at a jug wine of sorts.

The 2007 “Red.” is from Martin Ray Winery, located in Sonoma’s Russian River Valley. This wine blends Syrah, Merlot and Cabernet Franc. They age it in oak for 16 months and bottle it in a 1 liter jug. The suggested retail price for this wine is $15, but you can often find it for a few bucks less.

When you pour this wine and take a whiff you’re going to get lots of ripe berry fruit in the nose. As you drink it those berry flavors continue throughout the wine and are joined by some spicy characteristics. Towards the finish you get some vanilla in with all those friendly berry flavors. This wine goes down easy and will be a hit at a BBQ. It’s going to match well with burgers, dogs, ribs or other classic BBQ foods.

The packaging on Red. means that in addition to being enjoyable to drink, it’s likely to also be a conversation piece. Some will probably scoff at Wine in a Jug. Scoff right back and tell them to taste it themselves. Once they do, I’m betting they seek out Red. to bring to their next BBQ.
-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com

Water, wine and coffee; as far as beverages go, that’s all I need. Everything else is just window dressing. When it comes to coffee though, it’s espresso I truly can’t live without. The truth is I don’t remember a time that I didn’t drink espresso. I don’t have any pictures to prove it, but there’s a chance my Italian-born parents actually put some in my bottles when I was an infant. Whether I use a stove top pot or espresso machine of one sort or another, espresso has always been a big piece of my life.

Every pot, machine or device I have used to make espresso has its own inherent idiosyncrasies or issues. In general, stove top pots take a long time. Most espresso machines are messy and some make a questionable brew. So my quest for a solid, dependable (dare I say, perfect), solution has been a pursuit of seemingly mythic proportions. And so, of course, Illy was bound to be on my list of machines to try.

Illy has been in the Italian coffee business since 1933. Over the years they’ve been at the forefront of innovation after innovation. The latest is iperespresso. This new one-shot cartridge system allows users to produce consistent coffee, cup after cup. The capsule has the advantage of always having the correct amount of coffee as well as remaining fresh and air tight until use.

So it’s fair to say my love (and need) of espresso had me excited to test drive the Francis Francis X7. This machine, which has a suggested retail price of $595, commonly sells for just under $400 and is one of the newest in the Illy line. You can see from the picture that it’s a very cool looking device. That has nothing to do with the coffee, but it’s a plus nonetheless.

Once I unpacked it and set it up (which took almost no time at all) I read the instructions and ran some water through it without coffee the first time. The Francis Francis X7 sounds important when it’s getting ready. A little beep lets you know that it’s ready to deliver fresh, hot espresso. The first cup of espresso was a little short for my taste. I went back to the instructions and learned how to adjust the length of the pull. My preference is to manually stop it when the cup is filled to my satisfaction. Setting it this way was simple. I pulled out several more cups of espresso and tasted each of them. Truthfully I drank them all down. I might have been slightly hopped up on caffeine, but I was happy. The coffee that comes out of the Francis Francis X7 is the perfect temperature and absolutely delicious. Truthfully it’s kind of hard, probably impossible, to misfire and make a bad cup. That in itself might be worth the price of admission. Of course you can also make Cappuccino with the X7. Learning to get the steam going, and froth some milk or cream is as easy and straightforward as making espresso. Making multiple cups is simple because it takes mere seconds to exchange cartridges. By the way, 21 of them sell for about $15.95.

The bottom line for me is that the Francis Francis X7 looks good, is easy to use, makes delicious espresso and has no cleanup to speak of. If coffee, particularly espresso, is important to you, consistency is important. The Francis Francis X7 offers that in spades.

-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com

Here’s the scene: you take a beautiful girl on a date to a four-star restaurant, tempting her with a thrilling five-course meal, punctuated by a selection of the finest wines.  Then, as the two of you are about to indulge in a decadent, chocolate-laden dessert as a prelude to a certain romp in the sheets, you say to the waitress “Excuse me, do you have any chamomile?” [Insert sound of car crash]. And that concludes the hopeful-you-will-still-get-laid portion of your date. 

So what’s the deal?  Tea is tasty.  It’s high in antioxidants.  It comes in all sorts of flavors, such as peach, peppermint and even sleepytime.  And all the wonderful colors!!   Black, green, white, sorta dirt-water brown.  And there’s your problem, Francis.  Even the act of simply describing tea can turn an ultimate fighting champion into Richard Simmons’ wardrobe consultant.  So, yes, it’s kinda gay.  But more on that later.

For those of you who live on a different planet than the rest of us (and you know who you are), tea is the most consumed beverage in our world (after water).   Still not ringing a bell?  How’s this: it is an aromatic drink, prepared from dried leaves of some unpronounceable plant in combination with really, really hot water.  No?  Ummm…Lipton makes lots of it.  Ok, last try: the Queen Mother likes to drink it at 4:00 pm with buttered crumpets and stimulating conversation.  Oh, THAT tea! 

See, even dudes from another planet associate tea with Great Britain.  The former mother country began importing tea all the way back in the 1660’s, so it’s no shocker that many think of it as British.  In fact, the Brits loved tea so damn much that they traded for it with vast supplies of opium.  Nigel and Simon must have had some serious caffeine addiction to actually pay for this stuff with Elizabethan crack. 

But here’s the point:  Great Britain had to TRADE for tea because it wasn’t theirs.  You see, Tea originated in Southeast Asia.  And no matter how many people in England consume it or how often it is viewed as a symbol of Britishness, it is NOT British.

So does that make Tea gay?  Well, here’s more to consider.  A “tea-bag” is street slang for a man dipping his testicles into the open mouth of another person (you know, like dipping a tea bag in and out of a cup of water).  Sure, the open mouth COULD belong to a woman, but it also could not.  Plus, a Wikipedia entry on Tea stated the following:

“Tea became an important lubricant of Britain’s global trade, contributing to Britain’s global dominance by the end of the eighteenth century.”

Tea…a lubricant?!?  The evidence is mounting but we’re keeping an open mind.

The Final Verdict:
 

GAY
Too many soccer moms enjoy it iced.  So we are reluctant to call it a gay beverage.

 
BRITISH
No matter how much Morning Thunder Charles and Camilla consume, Tea did not originate there; so we cannot call it British.

 
BOTH
Nope, neither.  VIVA LA TEABAG!

 
-Martin Beaverton

Ticketmaster SUCKS! They’ve been terrible for decades, so that’s not a newsflash, but last weeks fiasco during the on sale for the upcoming Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band tour was a new low for even them. Redirecting people to the website of a ticket reseller that they OWN is fraudulent, nutty and just plain WRONG! Ticketmaster can say what they want, but no one is going to convince me that they aren’t giving their subsidiary preferential access to great seats. They shouldn’t be allowed to own a ticket broker, pure and simple.

It’s been awhile since Britney Spears has shown her Vagina in public. Just saying.
 
The officials from the school districts in Pittsburgh who scheduled a “Delayed Opening” the day after the Super Bowl, should be Fired! This sort of slacker mentality is precisely what’s wrong with our country. If a parent wants to keep their child home from school one day, it’s THEIR decision. School officials who made this call failed miserably and should be held accountable.

Burger King is now serving the Angry Whopper. This item has a burger patty topped with angry onions (whatever they are), jalapeños, pepper jack cheese, bacon, tomatoes, lettuce and mayonnaise topped with angry sauce (do I want to know?) on a bun. If all of that’s not enough you can get a Double Angry Burger. Dear Burger King, is business bad? How about actually putting beef in your burgers instead of focusing on lame marketing campaigns and serving slop to your customers?! I know, I have a lot of great ideas, call me sometime I’m happy to share.

This Octo-Mom woman who already had 6 kids, and just popped out another 8, is an excellent argument for government sponsored sterilization. She’s single, jobless and if you’ve seen her interviewed, clearly brainless and insane. Someone needs to step in and stop her, before she gets knocked up again.

Axl Rose has said that he or Slash would die before a Guns n’ Roses reunion would take place. Your lips to God’s ears Axl, your lips to God’s ears.

-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com