How many times can NBC screw up the transitioning of one TV show? Everyone in their right mind knows that Jay Leno should have never had the Tonight Show to begin with. David Letterman was always Johnny’s rightful heir. And now after finally freeing it from mediocrity by handing it to Conan, they’re taking it back?! For the last 20 years I was pretty sure that Jay Leno was a two-faced, backstabbing weasel who would do anything to forward his own agenda of lame, safe, milk toast comedy. The latest debacle, where he played puppet master at NBC again, only makes me 100% certain I was right all along. Here’s hoping Leno DIES (YES, I said DIES) of something truly horrific, and excruciatingly painful within moments of Conan signing his escape from NBC contract. There’s nothing NBC deserves more than to be left holding the bag with Conan out the door and no one but Leno’s corpse to put behind that desk. Come to think of it the show would probably improve with the corpse of Leno. This is of course assuming he’s not
already undead.

Kudos to Jimmy Kimmel for his rightfully merciless lampooning of shit stain Jay Leno both on Jimmy Kimmel Live and on Leno’s own horrific prime time program. It takes a special brand of imbecile to have Kimmel as a guest two days after Jimmy did an entire show dressed as Leno. But that’s just the sort of disingenuous moron Jay Leno is. He wants to pretend they’re just jokes and everyone is friends. They’re not jokes Jay; Other hosts and even comedians hate your guts, for you Jay Leno are the sworn enemy of comedy.

Speaking of that waste of human organs, Jay Leno, it’s been incredibly refreshing to watch as Dave Letterman has finally taken the gloves off and pounded this calculating asshole over the head again and again for his horrible behavior over the last 20 years.

If you haven’t already heard Rosie O’Donnell’s radio show on Sirius/XM it comes highly recommended. She’s honest, real and incredibly entertaining. She recently did an 8 minute rant about her own horrible experiences with Jay Leno. These stand as a milestone in her young show. Back when Leno was bombing in the ratings on the Tonight Show, NBC offered to have her host one night a week like Joan Rivers used to do for Carson. But Leno wouldn’t let her, no doubt out of fear that her ratings would be better and that people would get used to someone who did a real and honest show and reject Leno because of it.

Conan’s Letter to the “People of Earth” rejecting NBC’s horrible idea to push the Tonight Show to the NEXT DAY (12:05 AM) was funnier and probably elicited more laughs than the combined output from Leno’s 17 years hosting the show. If nothing else it was original, honest and fresh. Three words never used to describe Jay Leno.

Fact: The night Jay Leno took over the Tonight Show in 1992 after Johnny Carson had hosted it for THIRTY YEARS, he didn’t thank Johnny. Your Honor, the prosecution rests.

How about some sort of new TV show starring all the Tiger Woods mistresses? Talk about fun! We could call it “Tiger’s Whores.”

The brilliant season finales of both Dexter and Californication further drove home the obvious. Showtime is now MILES ahead of HBO when it comes to original premium programming. Sure HBO has some good shows, but nothing comes close to when Sex and the City and The Sopranos dominated water cooler talk.

What’s the deal with really tall Bass players who strap the instrument so low that it hangs down to their ankles? It looks weird people! Cut it out!

-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com

How many times can NBC screw up the transitioning of one TV show? Everyone in their right mind knows that Jay Leno should have never had the Tonight Show to begin with. David Letterman was always Johnny’s rightful heir. And now after finally freeing it from mediocrity by handing it to Conan, they’re taking it back?! For the last 20 years I was pretty sure that Jay Leno was a two-faced, backstabbing weasel who would do anything to forward his own agenda of lame, safe, milk toast comedy. The latest debacle, where he played puppet master at NBC again, only makes me 100% certain I was right all along. Here’s hoping Leno DIES (YES, I said DIES) of something truly horrific, and excruciatingly painful within moments of Conan signing his escape from NBC contract. There’s nothing NBC deserves more than to be left holding the bag with Conan out the door and no one but Leno’s corpse to put behind that desk. Come to think of it the show would probably improve with the corpse of Leno. This is of course assuming he’s not already undead.

Kudos to Jimmy Kimmel for his rightfully merciless lampooning of shit stain Jay Leno both on Jimmy Kimmel Live and on Leno’s own horrific prime time program. It takes a special brand of imbecile to have Kimmel as a guest two days after Jimmy did an entire show dressed as Leno. But that’s just the sort of disingenuous moron Jay Leno is. He wants to pretend they’re just jokes and everyone is friends. They’re not jokes Jay; Other hosts and even comedians hate your guts, for you Jay Leno are the sworn enemy of comedy.

Speaking of that waste of human organs, Jay Leno, it’s been incredibly refreshing to watch as Dave Letterman has finally taken the gloves off and pounded this calculating asshole over the head again and again for his horrible behavior over the last 20 years.

If you haven’t already heard Rosie O’Donnell’s radio show on Sirius/XM it comes highly recommended. She’s honest, real and incredibly entertaining. She recently did an 8 minute rant about her own horrible experiences with Jay Leno. These stand as a milestone in her young show. Back when Leno was bombing in the ratings on the Tonight Show, NBC offered to have her host one night a week like Joan Rivers used to do for Carson. But Leno wouldn’t let her, no doubt out of fear that her ratings would be better and that people would get used to someone who did a real and honest show and reject Leno because of it.

Conan’s Letter to the “People of Earth” rejecting NBC’s horrible idea to push the Tonight Show to the NEXT DAY (12:05 AM) was funnier and probably elicited more laughs than the combined output from Leno’s 17 years hosting the show. If nothing else it was original, honest and fresh. Three words never used to describe Jay Leno.

Fact: The night Jay Leno took over the Tonight Show in 1992 after Johnny Carson had hosted it for THIRTY YEARS, he didn’t thank Johnny. Your Honor, the prosecution rests.

How about some sort of new TV show starring all the Tiger Woods mistresses? Talk about fun! We could call it “Tiger’s Whores.”

The brilliant season finales of both Dexter and Californication further drove home the obvious. Showtime is now MILES ahead of HBO when it comes to original premium programming. Sure HBO has some good shows, but nothing comes close to when Sex and the City and The Sopranos dominated water cooler talk.

What’s the deal with really tall Bass players who strap the instrument so low that it hangs down to their ankles? It looks weird people! Cut it out!
-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com

Dr. Phil has been renewed through 2014, much to the relief of rednecks and couch potatoes everywhere.

Dear Humans Over 20 Years of Age,
Immediately stop wearing your High School Class Ring! Despite your cockeyed beliefs, this so called “jewelry” that you acquired when you were 16 DOES NOT class up your outfit and it certainly isn’t impressing possible employers. If you’re over 30 and still wearing a High School Class Ring, please end your life now for the sake of civilization.

Can someone please put the gate crashing assholes in a small room with the balloon family morons and make them all deal with each other for 90 days so we don’t have to?

I’m amazed that people are surprised that Tiger Woods is putting the wood to so many women who aren’t his wife. He’s a goofy looking guy who won the lottery of life by being so good at a ridiculous, elitist activity. He probably got his ass kicked in High School on a regular basis. So yes if he gets the chance to bed tons of women he’s probably going to do it.

The Swiss are moving Roman Polanski to an undisclosed location.
Dear Swiss Officials,
He RAPED a 13 year old. An unmarked grave would be a suitable undisclosed location.

I wonder how Alex P. Keaton felt when he heard his mom was a Lesbian.

-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com

Company History

The company was founded by Sir William Lyons in 1922 [Sir William…so wonderfully BRITISH!].   However, the name “Jaguar” did not appear on a car until 1935.  Sir William’s original company name choice?  The Swallow Sidecar Company.  Rumor has it that Sir Billy chose that name because “The Spit Sidecar Company” sounded far too vulgar for civilized transportation.

After several decades as a prominent British luxury brand, Ford Motors purchased Jaguar in 1989.  Ford flipped the brand to Indian car conglomerate Tata Motors late last year, where it is operated as part of Jaguar Land Rover Group.  Repeated calls to Tata Motors executives produced heated denials that the Group name is a clever synonym for cruising.

The Namesake

The feline inspiration for the car brand is one of the most intriguing creatures in nature.  Don’t believe me?  Just ask the foremost British historical zoological expert on the jaguar.  His name?  Oh, dear readers, we kid you not:  Reginald Pocock.  At this point, the column is basically writing itself.

So, back to the cat.  In stature, the jaguar has a well-defined and powerfully-built body.  It is renowned for its stalk-and-ambush nature, with a jaw so powerful it can bite directly through the skull of its prey to deliver a fatal blow to the brain.  Muscular?  Predatory?  Bitchy?!?  Yup, the jaguar seems pretty frickin’ gay to us.  Need more info:  Male jaguars reach sexual maturity by the age of four and jaguar adults generally meet only to mate.  Throw in some ecstasy and a dance club bathroom and you’ve got the Animal Planet version of Friday night in Chelsea.  And that’s without even inviting Pocock to the party. 

At this point, would it be sheer overkill to mention that the jaguar is strict carnivore, feeding only on meat?  Perhaps.  However, we will mention that they use feces to mark their territory, but only because the word “feces” makes us laugh.

Bonus fact:  The jaguar is a national symbol of Brazil.  In fact, Brazilians believed the fat of the cat would give them courage, as if it were some sort of magical lubricant.  And just what did they do with this Houdinian flab?  They rubbed it onto the body of young boys to make them strong and protect them against “evil”.  The only evil we see here is how the Sunday Style Section in Noticias de Brazil could get away with the headline “CAT BLUBBER: SATAN’S KRYPTONITE”.  Shoddy state-run newspapers!

Oh, and did we mention the producers of Seussical: the Musical 2 have already contacted us to license “the fat of the cat”?  Hell, we think we should win a Pulitzer just for using “Houdini” as an adjective.

The Cars

Let’s face it; Jaguars generally look like mechanical penises with shiny paint jobs.  If that’s not bad enough, the manufacturer then places a sterling silver Jaguar emblem on the hood which, in turn, looks like a small, sterling silver penis.  That’s penis on penis, people.  We haven’t taken Statistics in a while, but Penis² (that’s “Penis-Squared”) strikes us as kinda un-straight.

Plus, there are two types of hood ornaments for the Jag:  the aforementioned silver pee-pee (the “Leaper”) and a flat, round badge with a picture of a roaring cat-head (the “Growler”).  Growling? Leaping?  Sounds remarkably like pre-naptime activity at Nathan Lane’s house.  Hey Nathan… how come we never get invited back?

And phallics aside, it’s just too damn easy to call the car Faguar…I mean, Fag-U-Ar [God, you Brits can make anything sound haughty].

The Final Analysis:

BRITISH
Pip, Pip, Cheeri-NO.  The brand lost its Britishness long ago.

 
GAY
Nope.  Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, these cars get too many straight (albeit undeserving) men girlie action.  And, hey, at least it’s not called a Hummer. 

ELTON
Baby, you can drive my car.  

-Sir Martin Beaverton

So where do we get off even remotely suggesting that the quintessential icon of British machismo is gay?  And by how much does the gay quotient actually rise by using the word ‘machismo’ in a sentence?  Well, consider the facts and make your own judgments as to whether James Bond is the most deeply closeted movie protagonist in history.

Does my next service come with a free Jiffy Lube?

James Bond is clearly obsessed with phallic-shaped objects.  Think about the long line of Bond-mobiles: from the Aston Martin V12 to the BMWZ8 to the Jaguar XKR to the Lotus Esprit.  Hell, even the Ford Thunderbird Bond used in Die Another Day looks like a giant dildo.  Oh, and we won’t even mention that most of those cars have interiors designed to look like cockpits.  No, we won’t mention that.

And, of course, James never leaves his flat without a nice, long-barreled firearm strapped to his holster.   Oh sure, he was a spy on dangerous missions, but even when he was going to the Shop Rite for pudding pops, he would hold that thing tighter than a fat kid with a candy-coated turkey leg. 

And those gadgets!  They are gayer than Perez Hilton’s curling iron.  The Flute Radio (Live And Let Die)?  A Perfume Flame Thrower (Moonraker)?  Rocket-Firing Cigarette (You Only Live Twice)?  The Fake Nipple (Man With The Golden Gun)? And how about this triple bill from The Spy Who Loved Me:  Decapitating Tea Set, Deadly Hookah and a Sludge-Shooting Exhaust Pipe.  A Tea Set?  A pipe that emits brown goo?!?  James, even Lance Bass is laughing at you now.  Oh, and we won’t stoop so low to mention all those Homing devices and how “Homing” looks like “Homo” and makes us chuckle.  No, we won’t mention that.

How about the much-vaunted Bond music themes?   Ah yes, those musical tributes to masculinity featuring Madonna, Shirley Bassey, Sheena Easton, Tina Turner, Carly Simon and…Lulu??   Any gay icons missed here?  Why not just contract Cher and Liberace to duet on them for life?  Plus, consider this line from “Man With The Golden Gun”: ‘He has a powerful weapon/ He charges a million a shot / His eye may be on you or me / Who will he bang?’.  We’re guessing Stavro Blofeld.

Ah, what a wonderful segue to our next topic:  Bond Women.  Until recently, “Bond Girls” (which, although part of the lexicon of motion picture history, is a certain misogynistic moniker), were objectified and stereotyped, especially in light of James Bond’s often chauvinistic actions.  Check out these (wonderful and clever) names:  Pussy Galore, Honey Ryder, Holly Goodhead, Dr. Molly Warmflash, Miranda Frost, Tiffany Case.  Their roles as Bond’s love interests, partners, or enemies have all been characterized by 1) their submission to his charismatic persona or 2) their generalization as helpless bimbo/victims.  So in James’ world the woman are objects and not individuals. 

Translation:  James Bond hates women.  Not only are most of his relationships with woman non-romantic, they even border on abusive.  James never met a woman he didn’t like — to forcibly have sex with.  Sometimes, the abuse was even more despicable.  Case in point:  In Live and Let Die he deceives Jane Seymour in order to steal her virginity.  Yes, James, nice move…because all women LOVE semi-rape.
And even when woman are imbued with intelligence (Denise Richards playing a nuclear scientist in Die Another Day) – its like a backhanded slap to females everywhere.  Denise Richards?  Nuclear F’In Scientist???  James’ cigarette holder is more capable of balancing equations than that dumbass.

And talk about overcompensating.  James seems to need to go to the greatest of lengths to prove his masculinity: by conquering the lesbian community.  Pussy Galore, anyone?  But, sure, James is so fly, even the most phallic of women crave him.  Typical closet behavior.

This object is by no means a reference to my penis.

The newest James Bond – Daniel Craig – is also rapidly advancing the “James is Gay” cause by urging the producers to include a gay scene and, more laughably, by arriving for his first Bond press conference on a speedboat wearing a lifejacket. “Daniel…you are the Weakest Twink…Goodbye”. 

Oh, and we’re not going to mention that the gayest of designers – Tom Ford- was hired to design much of the Bond wardrobe in A Quantum of Solace.  No, we won’t mention that.

Need more proof?  James never ages, he regularly drinks pink champagne, he smoked for five decades, he never stops boozing or chasing skirt (overcompensating!), he never settles for anything less than the best clothes, and here’s the kicker:  James Bond lives the most extravagant existence imaginable, yet you never see him spending money.  So who supports this lavish lifestyle? An old Queen. 

Oh, and we’re not even going to mention that first scene in Casino Royale where Bond wins the Aston Martin DB5 and orders a Mount Gay Rum with soda.  No, we won’t mention that at all.

 GAY

Even we don’t want to believe that someone who banged Barbara Bach is gay.  That keeps you safe too, Ringo.  Under proclamation from Moneypenny, I hereby declare you, James Bond, to be a straight shooter.

BRITISH

Like tea, crumpets and a Burberry bumbershoot.

-Martin Beaverton

My milkshake brings all the viscounts to the yard.

Most associate royalty with Great Britain due to the long-standing visibility of Queen Elizabeth II and her clan, and that’s understandable.  Princess Diana was perhaps the most famous woman on earth for the latter part of the 20th Century.  Her sons, William and Harry, are scoped by paparazzi 24 hours a day.  Hell, Princess Sarah (the original Fergie) did Weight Watchers commercials. So while Elizabeth is the most recognizable monarch on earth and her lineage substantial, we are sad to say that royal behavior did not actually originate in the Home of the Union Jack. 

The first royal ruler is assumed to be a Mesopotamian dude named – we kid you not – Nimrod.  That’s  N…i…m…ROD.  Yes, dear readers, his name is 50% penis.  [Ed. Note:  God, we love when our job is this easy.]  Nimrod was name-checked in the Book of Genesis, responsible for building the famed Tower of Babel and was portrayed to be the first man on earth who had the boldness to take the title of “king”.   And with all that “God Is King” sentiment flying around the ancient Middle East, Rod had some set of balls [Ed. Note:  Giggle] to pronounce himself king.   He was so nervy, we’re surprised he wasn’t a bitchy queen.  Don’t you just love the way gay and royalty dovetail?

As for the gay analysis, note two important facts:

1) Overly dramatic gay guys are called Queens;  and

2) Every single time we hear of a drag queen, her name is always something like Lady Bunny, Duchess Douche, Countess Cuntess, Empress One-Eye or Queen Latifah.

The hairspray cost is a drag on my budget.

So what exactly is it about over-the-top gay men and royalty?  We’re guessing here that the flamboyance of royalty is aspirational to flamboyant gay men.   It’s the ultimate “look at me, I’m fantastic!” position where you get to boss everyone around, wave from a balcony, play dress up and, ultimately, bang your court jester — you know, if you’re into that kind of thing [Ed. Note:  No jesters were banged in the making of this article] .   And since most royals are constitutional figureheads, they perform social and ceremonial functions without the distasteful responsibility of having to deal with all those silly little political details like actually running the country.  So it’s all of the candy, none of the spinach and that complements the flamboyant gay lifestyle well. [Ed. Note:  We apologize to all the drag queens reading this that do actually eat their spinach.  You are a vegetational inspiration to us all].  Plus, the pageantry of coronations is like the Gay Halloween Parade (only without the penis-shaped floats).  And since Perez Hilton is the Queen of All Media, our circle is now complete, Grasshopper.

GAY
YES.  Burger King is “Home of The Whopper”.  We rest our case.

BRITISH
Nope.  Nimrod usurped Liz.  Wow, that sounds dirty.

BOTH
I’m a Knight AND a Queen!

-Sir Martin Beaverton

If you are reading this, we’re certain your first thought is “Why didn’t they begin with ‘Dear Mr. Trump’?”.   And that is just one of so, so many reasons you are our least favorite person today.

The scowl.  The pretention. The ego. The unyielding self-promotion. You’re as big a whore as Gene Simmons and with equally unlikable hair.

Next season we begin filming Animal Apprentice

Our hate affair with you dates back to 1989.  Your then-wife Ivana appeared on “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” touting the fact that you had solid gold faucets in your bathroom.  So while there are hundreds of millions of people without access to running water, this dumb broad celebrates the most remarkably superfluous (and tasteless) accessories in the history of water transportation.  Even Satan is cringing now. While we don’t have the right to tell you how to spend your money, at the very least, have the dignity not to share what you spend it on.  btw…Beelzebub has reserved a special hearth for your life retirement which, just as you like it, bears the glorious Trump name. 

Now, we don’t hate you because we want to BE you (and we also hate you for being convinced that we DO).  We don’t hate you because you’re rich because there are lots of wealthy people we admire (hell, even Bill Gates is devoting much of his current life to eradicating disease).  And truth be told, you come from a very wealthy family so we’re far less impressed with you than, say, a fully self-made man such as Sir Richard Branson.  And we don’t hate you because you have a hot wife (hey, we LOVE Seal).  No, we hate you because you’re ubiquitous and utterly annoying.  If you were alive in the 14th Century, you would have hounded the townspeople to call it the “Trump Plague”.

There is a fine line between publicity to promote a business, and vulgar media saturation to (attempt to) satiate pure, unadulterated egotism.  Who else bitches about his net wealth being underestimated by Forbes?  Would Warren Buffett do that?  No, because he is a beacon of class.  And we are SO sick of seeing your smug mug and name on TV, billboards, buildings, steaks, bankrupt casinos, video games, books, dress shirts and bottled water.  However, our research indicates you are woefully underrepresented in the drugstore market.  May we be so brazen to suggest Trump toilet paper (“Trump for your rump”), Trump condoms (“Trump for your pump”), Trump tampons (“Red is the new black”), and Trump douche (no tagline needed: just slap your face on the box and it will be the most appropriate endorsement in advertising history). 

Special mention to Ivanka (daughter of Donald and Ivana, and VP of Trump Enterprises):  we have no problem with nepotism, but someone who wants to be taken seriously as a businesswoman does NOT pose for covers of men’s magazines in a bikini.  You may not have inherited you dad’s face, but you certainly inherited his insecure need to be the center of attention. 

Oh and Donald, nice job on disassociating yourself from the (yet-again) bankrupt casino “empire” that bears your name.  Hmmm, that somehow reminds us to hit the drugstore to pick up a Trump douche bag.

Donald, we respectfully request that you build the Trump Space Shuttle and launch yourself the hell outta here.  Ah, but you’ll probably just slap “TRUMP” on the moon. 

Donnie…you are our least favorite person today.

Love (and hate),
takeoutmag

Got a look at Rumer Willis recently and now I know what Bruce would look like with long hair and a dress. Wow, that’s just too bad.

I’ve been watching Dave Letterman since the early 80’s but it had never occurred to me that he was laying more pipe than a union plumber.

What’s wrong with the morons who feel bad for Roman Polanski and want to forgive him?! He raped a 13 year old, that shouldn’t seem any less brutal because he’s evaded incarceration for over 30 years.

NBC already had that talentless loser Jay Leno tying up the 10 PM hour 5 nights a week with his boring act largely stolen from others. Now NBC has announced that they’re going to have the ego-heavy, talent-lite Jon Bon Jovi as “artist” in residence for 2 months. This clearly makes them the network to avoid at all costs!

Mexican “rock star” Alejandra Guzman (whoever that is) has been hospitalized with an infection from buttocks injections she had to make herself more attractive to a new boyfriend. Guzman claims she wants to raise awareness so other women don’t suffer. Hey Alejandra: When you admit getting injections in your ASS to make yourself pretty all you raise awareness of is your own stupidity!

Citizens of the world beware: Garth Brooks is coming out of retirement. That can only mean more horrible music that calls itself country but sounds more like bad pop and can’t really decide what it is but definitely isn’t edgy, original or in any way good. Hopefully this ungifted hack will stick to just one persona to release crappy music under this time.

It’s hard to believe that the NY Mess (or is that Mets?) didn’t fire manager Jerry Manuel after another sub-par season. Sure they had injuries but his “leadership” didn’t inspire confidence for their fan base. A couple of losses next April and both he and Omar Minaya are sure to be jettisoned so the Mets can hire the next buffoon to run their 2nd tier franchise that’s closer to being a third world country than it is to contending in the NL East.

-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com

I ‘m a longtime KISS fan, but the current lineup with two non-originals wearing makeup is a JOKE. Releasing an album of re-recorded classics is even more pathetic. Hey Gene & Paul, it’s time to give it up. You’re moments away from less legitimacy than Menudo.

Michael Jackson will be buried on August 29th, which would have been his 51st birthday. They’ve waited this long why not wait until he would have turned 60?!

Madonna fans in a small Polish town are PRAYING for her to appear. No need for prayer people, just round up approximately 15,000 people willing to shell out $150 – $300 for seats to one of her shows. Keep in mind, based on historical precedent the show is going to have the following attributes: It’ll be too short, feature 34 or so costume changes and cause rational folks to want to drive a railroad spike into their heads with a ball-peen hammer. And did I mention she can’t sing and has a catalog full of horrifically bad music? Where’s my time machine so I can travel back to 1983 and stop her ascent at the 15 minutes she was due?

“Talentless Has Been Leaves Horrible Television Show.” That’s the only information anyone needs about Paula Abdul leaving American Idol.

The guy accused of stalking Miley Cyrus appears to be the same sort of White Trash her dad is; coincidence? Probably not.

There was outrage in India over Bollywood movie star Shah Rukh Khan being detained to answer some questions at Newark Airport. Come again, who?

The Washington Nationals promoted Mike Rizzo to the position of General Manager. Considering the pathetic state of this DC based baseball franchise perhaps they should have looked outside the organization. Heck even Frank Rizzo from the Jerky Boys might have been a better choice.

-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com

I agree with my King, Howard Stern. If there is actually to be an edifice as absurd as a Michael Jackson Museum, the belt Joe Jackson used to beat his kids should be prominently displayed.

I could care less that whorish pop tart Jessica Simpson split with her dullard of an NFL boyfriend. What does fascinate me however is that they broke up the night before her “Barbie Themed” birthday party. Talk about playing into a stereotype.

A stage being built in France for a Concert by Madonna collapsed and killed two people. The real tragedy is that it wasn’t Madonna who was crushed to death.

British conductor Edward Downes and his wife died at a suicide clinic. I’m not familiar with Downes work, but what a tremendous idea. How great would it be if we could elect an annoying celebrity couple each month to send to a mandatory suicide clinic?! Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes, Bono and whoever his wife is, Jay Leno and his Beard Mavis, the possibilities are endless. Now THAT’S a reality show I would watch!

The idea that former NFL star Steve McNair’s blood alcohol level was “twice the legal limit” when he was killed is an absurd concept. The man wasn’t driving; in fact he was likely sleeping when his little hussy shot him and then herself. He can be as drunk as he wants when he sleeps!

In 1993 when the US postal service issued an Elvis Presley stamp they let the public vote for the image that adorned it. What it came down to though was thin or fat Elvis. Someday we might get to vote for Black or White Michael Jackson.

-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com