Dear Mavis Leno,
Do you really have sex with that no talent, giant chinned, sorry excuse for a comedian and talk show host you’re married to? You could do better Mavis. CARROT TOP is more respected by his peers than your husband.

How many times can NBC screw up the transitioning of one TV show? Everyone in their right mind knows that Jay Leno should have never had the Tonight Show to begin with. David Letterman was always Johnny’s rightful heir. And now after finally freeing it from mediocrity by handing it to Conan, they’re taking it back?! For the last 20 years I was pretty sure that Jay Leno was a two-faced, backstabbing weasel who would do anything to forward his own agenda of lame, safe, milk toast comedy. The latest debacle, where he played puppet master at NBC again, only makes me 100% certain I was right all along. Here’s hoping Leno DIES (YES, I said DIES) of something truly horrific, and excruciatingly painful within moments of Conan signing his escape from NBC contract. There’s nothing NBC deserves more than to be left holding the bag with Conan out the door and no one but Leno’s corpse to put behind that desk. Come to think of it the show would probably improve with the corpse of Leno. This is of course assuming he’s not
already undead.

Kudos to Jimmy Kimmel for his rightfully merciless lampooning of shit stain Jay Leno both on Jimmy Kimmel Live and on Leno’s own horrific prime time program. It takes a special brand of imbecile to have Kimmel as a guest two days after Jimmy did an entire show dressed as Leno. But that’s just the sort of disingenuous moron Jay Leno is. He wants to pretend they’re just jokes and everyone is friends. They’re not jokes Jay; Other hosts and even comedians hate your guts, for you Jay Leno are the sworn enemy of comedy.

Speaking of that waste of human organs, Jay Leno, it’s been incredibly refreshing to watch as Dave Letterman has finally taken the gloves off and pounded this calculating asshole over the head again and again for his horrible behavior over the last 20 years.

If you haven’t already heard Rosie O’Donnell’s radio show on Sirius/XM it comes highly recommended. She’s honest, real and incredibly entertaining. She recently did an 8 minute rant about her own horrible experiences with Jay Leno. These stand as a milestone in her young show. Back when Leno was bombing in the ratings on the Tonight Show, NBC offered to have her host one night a week like Joan Rivers used to do for Carson. But Leno wouldn’t let her, no doubt out of fear that her ratings would be better and that people would get used to someone who did a real and honest show and reject Leno because of it.

Conan’s Letter to the “People of Earth” rejecting NBC’s horrible idea to push the Tonight Show to the NEXT DAY (12:05 AM) was funnier and probably elicited more laughs than the combined output from Leno’s 17 years hosting the show. If nothing else it was original, honest and fresh. Three words never used to describe Jay Leno.

Fact: The night Jay Leno took over the Tonight Show in 1992 after Johnny Carson had hosted it for THIRTY YEARS, he didn’t thank Johnny. Your Honor, the prosecution rests.

How about some sort of new TV show starring all the Tiger Woods mistresses? Talk about fun! We could call it “Tiger’s Whores.”

The brilliant season finales of both Dexter and Californication further drove home the obvious. Showtime is now MILES ahead of HBO when it comes to original premium programming. Sure HBO has some good shows, but nothing comes close to when Sex and the City and The Sopranos dominated water cooler talk.

What’s the deal with really tall Bass players who strap the instrument so low that it hangs down to their ankles? It looks weird people! Cut it out!

-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com

Dear Mavis Leno,
Do you really have sex with that no talent, giant chinned, sorry excuse for a comedian and talk show host you’re married to? You could do better Mavis. CARROT TOP is more respected by his peers than your husband.

How many times can NBC screw up the transitioning of one TV show? Everyone in their right mind knows that Jay Leno should have never had the Tonight Show to begin with. David Letterman was always Johnny’s rightful heir. And now after finally freeing it from mediocrity by handing it to Conan, they’re taking it back?! For the last 20 years I was pretty sure that Jay Leno was a two-faced, backstabbing weasel who would do anything to forward his own agenda of lame, safe, milk toast comedy. The latest debacle, where he played puppet master at NBC again, only makes me 100% certain I was right all along. Here’s hoping Leno DIES (YES, I said DIES) of something truly horrific, and excruciatingly painful within moments of Conan signing his escape from NBC contract. There’s nothing NBC deserves more than to be left holding the bag with Conan out the door and no one but Leno’s corpse to put behind that desk. Come to think of it the show would probably improve with the corpse of Leno. This is of course assuming he’s not already undead.

Kudos to Jimmy Kimmel for his rightfully merciless lampooning of shit stain Jay Leno both on Jimmy Kimmel Live and on Leno’s own horrific prime time program. It takes a special brand of imbecile to have Kimmel as a guest two days after Jimmy did an entire show dressed as Leno. But that’s just the sort of disingenuous moron Jay Leno is. He wants to pretend they’re just jokes and everyone is friends. They’re not jokes Jay; Other hosts and even comedians hate your guts, for you Jay Leno are the sworn enemy of comedy.

Speaking of that waste of human organs, Jay Leno, it’s been incredibly refreshing to watch as Dave Letterman has finally taken the gloves off and pounded this calculating asshole over the head again and again for his horrible behavior over the last 20 years.

If you haven’t already heard Rosie O’Donnell’s radio show on Sirius/XM it comes highly recommended. She’s honest, real and incredibly entertaining. She recently did an 8 minute rant about her own horrible experiences with Jay Leno. These stand as a milestone in her young show. Back when Leno was bombing in the ratings on the Tonight Show, NBC offered to have her host one night a week like Joan Rivers used to do for Carson. But Leno wouldn’t let her, no doubt out of fear that her ratings would be better and that people would get used to someone who did a real and honest show and reject Leno because of it.

Conan’s Letter to the “People of Earth” rejecting NBC’s horrible idea to push the Tonight Show to the NEXT DAY (12:05 AM) was funnier and probably elicited more laughs than the combined output from Leno’s 17 years hosting the show. If nothing else it was original, honest and fresh. Three words never used to describe Jay Leno.

Fact: The night Jay Leno took over the Tonight Show in 1992 after Johnny Carson had hosted it for THIRTY YEARS, he didn’t thank Johnny. Your Honor, the prosecution rests.

How about some sort of new TV show starring all the Tiger Woods mistresses? Talk about fun! We could call it “Tiger’s Whores.”

The brilliant season finales of both Dexter and Californication further drove home the obvious. Showtime is now MILES ahead of HBO when it comes to original premium programming. Sure HBO has some good shows, but nothing comes close to when Sex and the City and The Sopranos dominated water cooler talk.

What’s the deal with really tall Bass players who strap the instrument so low that it hangs down to their ankles? It looks weird people! Cut it out!
-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com

I know the World Series has been over for a month but I’m still having trouble with Phillie’s Manager Charlies Manuel’s words before the series that “We can hit Rivera, we can hit any closer.”
Dear Charlie,
Mariano Rivera is not “any closer,” he is in fact the greatest pitcher in the history of post season baseball. Are you feeling good about your phony grand standing and tough guy talk now Charlie? Put your head back in your ass, and keep your mouth shut, you brain dead hump. Suck on my 27th ring Phillies!

Dr. Phil has been renewed through 2014, much to the relief of rednecks and couch potatoes everywhere.

Dear Humans Over 20 Years of Age,
Immediately stop wearing your High School Class Ring! Despite your cockeyed beliefs, this so called “jewelry” that you acquired when you were 16 DOES NOT class up your outfit and it certainly isn’t impressing possible employers. If you’re over 30 and still wearing a High School Class Ring, please end your life now for the sake of civilization.

Can someone please put the gate crashing assholes in a small room with the balloon family morons and make them all deal with each other for 90 days so we don’t have to?

I’m amazed that people are surprised that Tiger Woods is putting the wood to so many women who aren’t his wife. He’s a goofy looking guy who won the lottery of life by being so good at a ridiculous, elitist activity. He probably got his ass kicked in High School on a regular basis. So yes if he gets the chance to bed tons of women he’s probably going to do it.

The Swiss are moving Roman Polanski to an undisclosed location.
Dear Swiss Officials,
He RAPED a 13 year old. An unmarked grave would be a suitable undisclosed location.

I wonder how Alex P. Keaton felt when he heard his mom was a Lesbian.

-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com

The individuals looking to buy the St Louis Rams NFL team have dropped that big fat, racist, pumpkin-head Rush Limbaugh from their group of bidders. What a shame, this couldn’t have happened to a bigger or more useless windbag.

Got a look at Rumer Willis recently and now I know what Bruce would look like with long hair and a dress. Wow, that’s just too bad.

I’ve been watching Dave Letterman since the early 80’s but it had never occurred to me that he was laying more pipe than a union plumber.

What’s wrong with the morons who feel bad for Roman Polanski and want to forgive him?! He raped a 13 year old, that shouldn’t seem any less brutal because he’s evaded incarceration for over 30 years.

NBC already had that talentless loser Jay Leno tying up the 10 PM hour 5 nights a week with his boring act largely stolen from others. Now NBC has announced that they’re going to have the ego-heavy, talent-lite Jon Bon Jovi as “artist” in residence for 2 months. This clearly makes them the network to avoid at all costs!

Mexican “rock star” Alejandra Guzman (whoever that is) has been hospitalized with an infection from buttocks injections she had to make herself more attractive to a new boyfriend. Guzman claims she wants to raise awareness so other women don’t suffer. Hey Alejandra: When you admit getting injections in your ASS to make yourself pretty all you raise awareness of is your own stupidity!

Citizens of the world beware: Garth Brooks is coming out of retirement. That can only mean more horrible music that calls itself country but sounds more like bad pop and can’t really decide what it is but definitely isn’t edgy, original or in any way good. Hopefully this ungifted hack will stick to just one persona to release crappy music under this time.

It’s hard to believe that the NY Mess (or is that Mets?) didn’t fire manager Jerry Manuel after another sub-par season. Sure they had injuries but his “leadership” didn’t inspire confidence for their fan base. A couple of losses next April and both he and Omar Minaya are sure to be jettisoned so the Mets can hire the next buffoon to run their 2nd tier franchise that’s closer to being a third world country than it is to contending in the NL East.

-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com

The terrorist convicted of the 1988 Pan Am bombing over Lockerbie has been released for reasons of “compassion.” The Scottish government’s so called justification is that his prostate cancer is advancing. Somehow his cancer advancing is a bad thing? Ask the victims families whose loved ones have been DEAD for Twenty One Years!

I ‘m a longtime KISS fan, but the current lineup with two non-originals wearing makeup is a JOKE. Releasing an album of re-recorded classics is even more pathetic. Hey Gene & Paul, it’s time to give it up. You’re moments away from less legitimacy than Menudo.

Michael Jackson will be buried on August 29th, which would have been his 51st birthday. They’ve waited this long why not wait until he would have turned 60?!

Madonna fans in a small Polish town are PRAYING for her to appear. No need for prayer people, just round up approximately 15,000 people willing to shell out $150 – $300 for seats to one of her shows. Keep in mind, based on historical precedent the show is going to have the following attributes: It’ll be too short, feature 34 or so costume changes and cause rational folks to want to drive a railroad spike into their heads with a ball-peen hammer. And did I mention she can’t sing and has a catalog full of horrifically bad music? Where’s my time machine so I can travel back to 1983 and stop her ascent at the 15 minutes she was due?

“Talentless Has Been Leaves Horrible Television Show.” That’s the only information anyone needs about Paula Abdul leaving American Idol.

The guy accused of stalking Miley Cyrus appears to be the same sort of White Trash her dad is; coincidence? Probably not.

There was outrage in India over Bollywood movie star Shah Rukh Khan being detained to answer some questions at Newark Airport. Come again, who?

The Washington Nationals promoted Mike Rizzo to the position of General Manager. Considering the pathetic state of this DC based baseball franchise perhaps they should have looked outside the organization. Heck even Frank Rizzo from the Jerky Boys might have been a better choice.

-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com

Why is Bernie Madoff in a medium-security prison? His crime was not medium sized in nature and it’s a good bet he has millions (or more) still hidden away somewhere. This unrepentant charlatan should do all of his time the hard way; constantly on the look out for someone named Jethro who is hoping to shank him to death.

I agree with my King, Howard Stern. If there is actually to be an edifice as absurd as a Michael Jackson Museum, the belt Joe Jackson used to beat his kids should be prominently displayed.

I could care less that whorish pop tart Jessica Simpson split with her dullard of an NFL boyfriend. What does fascinate me however is that they broke up the night before her “Barbie Themed” birthday party. Talk about playing into a stereotype.

A stage being built in France for a Concert by Madonna collapsed and killed two people. The real tragedy is that it wasn’t Madonna who was crushed to death.

British conductor Edward Downes and his wife died at a suicide clinic. I’m not familiar with Downes work, but what a tremendous idea. How great would it be if we could elect an annoying celebrity couple each month to send to a mandatory suicide clinic?! Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes, Bono and whoever his wife is, Jay Leno and his Beard Mavis, the possibilities are endless. Now THAT’S a reality show I would watch!

The idea that former NFL star Steve McNair’s blood alcohol level was “twice the legal limit” when he was killed is an absurd concept. The man wasn’t driving; in fact he was likely sleeping when his little hussy shot him and then herself. He can be as drunk as he wants when he sleeps!

In 1993 when the US postal service issued an Elvis Presley stamp they let the public vote for the image that adorned it. What it came down to though was thin or fat Elvis. Someday we might get to vote for Black or White Michael Jackson.

-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com

Sacha Baron Cohen is sort of funny and all that. But has anybody noticed that he really hasn’t done anything Andy Kaufman didn’t already do 30+ years ago?

Dear Arturo Gatti,

First of all I hope you get this. Is there mail where you are now?  Dude the reason you’re dead is that you married a stripper! It’s ok to hang out with strippers. If you want you can have sex with them (assuming they say ok). And if you must it might be ok to befriend one, so long as you don’t tell her where you live. But Arturo, under no circumstances do you marry a stripper. This is (well WAS for you) real life, not a movie!

Queen Elizabeth II announced she will travel to Canada in 2010, marking her 26th trip there. Is England running low on ice?

This idea that the 50 dates Jacko the Wacko was set to play in London were too much for him is a patently absurd concept. Yes it was 50 dates, but they were spread out between July and February, over 200 days. What real live performer couldn’t pull off 50 dates in well over ½ a year?!

Actor Jim Carrey is going to be a Grandfather. Here’s hoping the kid is funnier than Carrey has been since… Oh hell, I can’t remember when Jim Carrey was funny.

Rejoice people, Mel Gibson’s pregnant girlfriend has released a new music video! The tune is called “Beautiful Heartache.” I’m wondering how long it’ll be until she releases her artistic statement single, sure to be called “Knocked Up by an Anti-Semite.”

Latoya Jackson thinks her brother Michael was murdered. Because you know it is everyday that washed up former pop stars are murdered in their sleep. I guess it must have been the secret police.

Another remake of the Karate Kid, really? How about coming up with some original ideas instead of taking the lazy way out, again? I’ll say this for Jackie Chan, he’s no Mr. Miyagi!

-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com

Michael Jackson once tried to buy the elephant mans remains. Considering Michael got his freak on by choice, and in keeping with that spirit I think Jacko’s remains should be auctioned off to the highest bidder.

Does anyone exude more class than Michael Jackson’s father? Good job whoring out your new record company days after your son dropped dead Joe.

David Letterman’s jokes were apparently so on point, vicious, and biting that Sarah Palin was “forced” to resign so she can focus on her hick family. Way to go Dave! I’m hoping the next time we hear her name the story also includes the words “horrible accident.”

How fitting that The Circus started at the Staples Center the day after Jacko the Wacko’s Memorial Service.

Speaking of Jacko’s memorial service, Al Sharpton directed the statement “nothing strange about your daddy” to the gloved freak’s kids. Proving Sharpton is perhaps the dumbest man alive, or full of crap. I’m guessing both.

Madonna said in a recent interview that she used to “love picking Michael Jacksons brain about musical stuff.” Considering all the forgettable music these two have each released the last twenty years its clear they should have both looked elsewhere for inspiration.

Universal is going to make the classic Atari video game Asteroids into a movie! That gives new meaning to the term reimagining. Buckle up people, this could be the worst film ever made.

Former Three’s Company Star Joyce DeWitt was arrested for drunk driving. I thought Janet was the quiet, respectable one. What would Mr. Furley say?

Less than 1,000 people without tickets were outside the Staples Center during the Jacko Memorial; much lower than the throng in the hundreds of thousands that were supposedly expected, proving that two weeks of media hype, does not a frenzy make.

-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com

Most of the media gets an F for their glad handling of Jacko the Wacko’s death. Now that he’s dead they decided to kiss his behind. All of a sudden everyone forgot that he liked to hang out with little boys? Give me a break!

Anyone needing proof that there is no justice in the world need look no further than the following two facts: 1) Joey Ramone has been dead for 9 years 2) Green Day who has done nothing musically the Ramones didn’t do 30 years ago can play the Garden. Yes that Garden.

The hype machine kept rolling after the gloved freak died. I was absolutely amazed just how many brain dead commentators were calling him “the greatest entertainer ever.” Not only was Michael Jackson NOT the greatest entertainer ever, he’s NOT EVEN IN THE CONVERSATION! So called great entertainers continue to release exceptional music throughout their lives. Michael Jackson hadn’t released anything worth listening to since 1987’s “Bad,” when he was 28. I guess that’s when he decided to use his “greatness” to focus on little boys.

Ryan O’Neal announced a few days before Farrah Fawcett died that he wanted to marry her, now THAT’S Commitment!

Do you need more evidence that Jacko really was Wacko? He had three kids. TWO of them were named Prince Michael. The second of these was nicknamed BLANKET! Face it when Jacko bought the farm, the world’s collective insanity score dropped a couple of points.

I HATE the people who sell lottery tickets. It used to be that they would always say “good luck” when I bought a ticket, not anymore. Now they take my money and hand me a ticket, all the while looking back at me with that blank, dead stare most retail clerks have. Batten down the hatches people, this is a sure sign that society as we know it is coming to an end.

Another point about Michael Jackson, well his fans really. Who are these people who gathered en masse in various public locations to mourn the fallen freak? Have you nothing better to do with your lives? I’d like to note a special level of disdain for the morons who had been sleeping in vans outside his rented home for weeks before he died, hoping to get a look at their “hero.” May I suggest mass suicide for your exceptional group?

A shout out and farewell to Ed McMahon the greatest second banana in show business history. The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson would have been incredibly different without Ed’s brilliance. Everyone stand up and scream “Hey-O!!!!!!”

Damn you Michael Jackson for dying! I just know you had a lot more rage to instill in me.

-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com

Serial dater Jennifer Love Hewitt is writing a book about relationships. That would be like Alex Rodriguez writing a book about hitting in the clutch, a bad idea. Shouldn’t people write books about areas where they have success?  On the other hand, if Jennifer Love Hewitt wants to write an opus about owning and maintaining a fabulous set of knockers, I might just pay attention.

Tomoji Tanabe the world’s oldest man died on Friday. I have to be honest, I don’t care! He was probably a great guy and I’m sure he’d amassed an impressive music collection by now. But I didn’t know him and you probably didn’t know him. Best of all, the SECOND he died we got us a brand new world’s oldest man. Trouble is they won’t tell us who he is, until he DIES of course.

Why can’t folks like Chastity Bono who want to have a penis added get together with the group who want to have their junk lopped off and work out some sort of trade? I’m all for people doing what they want, it just seems like there is an obvious potential for some everybody wins style, genital swapping here. Craig’s List anybody?

My god has a beard.

Is there any chance that we can all band together as one and put Tom Cruise to sleep before he decides to “act” again?  He’s been ruining films since 1981. He was a cocky young pilot in Top Gun, a cocky young bartender in Cocktail, a cocky young sports agent in Jerry Maguire and on and on. 28 years after his first screen role he’s still a horrible actor and his non movie behavior proves he’s also insane. It’s time to put the little elf down for the good of society. Paging Doctor Kevorkian!

Dear Robin Williams,
Mork & Mindy was fun and you’ve been in some excellent films. However your talk show appearances are killing me! I’ve had enough of the improvisation and stream of consciousness. This may come as a news-flash but your act is tired, old, stale, and boring. Sit down and answer questions like a normal human being for once. Also, please check your birth certificate, you were born in CHICAGO! Lose the faux Scottish accent.

-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com