Dear Britney,

Your relentless pursuit of the spotlight won’t allow us a moment of rest.  You’re like that chatty, annoying know-it-all we get stuck sitting next to on a 22-hour trans-Atlantic flight to Papua New Guinea who won’t let us fall asleep, thereby forcing us to make subtle stabs at our jugular with the complementary airline pen.  The blood marks on the Sky Mall catalogue are simply collateral damage. 

Your self-engineered ubiquity attacks our senses like a jackhammer to the temple.  Or what we imagine a threesome with Joan and Melissa Rivers to be.

Your continued habit of releasing crappy music assaults our aural sensibilities (“If U Seek Amy”?  How about “If U Seek Vincent Van Gogh Tell Him To Call With Detailed Instructions On How To Slice Our Ears Off”?).

Your ability to earn more money than many small countries yet STILL remain poor white trailer trash is nothing short of magical.  I’d go so far to say you are the Criss Angel of suck.  No wait, Criss Angel is the Criss Angel of suck.  You are the Some-Magician-We-Actually-Like of suck.

You are so addicted to public attention I’d expect you to attend the opening of a manhole cover.

The next time you have a day off, please don’t:

• shave your head
• marry an oaf
• have any contact with Paris Hilton 
• stumble drunk out of a car
• flash your beaver in public
• give your sister life advice
• launch another freakin’ perfume, or
• accidentally spike your baby’s formula with Maker’s Mark

Do you realize that choosing Madonna as a role model makes us hate you more because we hate Madonna MORE than you? 

And we hear you have a ghostwriter for your Twitter.  What, it’s too difficult for you to type “I 4got my kids’ names again…LOL”? 

How can we miss you, if you never go away?

Britney Spears…you are our least favorite person today.

With Love (and hate),
Takeout Magazine

p.s. If you feel the need to date any Dominican baseball players in 20 years just make sure you do it somewhere far, far away from here.  Maybe Papua New Guinea.  They might even have a Kaballah temple by then.

Martha Stewart’s dog died in a freakish propane explosion at a Pennsylvania kennel. That might be sad for her, but it’s NOT NEWS! Who do I call to get this sort of nonsense removed from my television?

4 years after the attack that ended their careers, Siegfried and Roy performed again with the tiger that mauled Roy. Why? Personally, if I had been the victim of this attack, Montecore, as the tiger is called, would have been put down immediately. Can anyone say, slow cooked Tiger sandwiches?

And speaking of stupid Pet Tricks (Shout out to Dave Letterman), what the hell is wrong with the woman in Connecticut who kept a 150 pound chimp as a pet? I’ll tell you what’s wrong with her, she’s an IDIOT. This sad excuse for a human being, should be charged as if it were her who ripped her friends eyes and face off.

Someone please dig up Andy Warhol, so that he can tell Britney Spears she’s used up way more than her allotted 15 minutes.

U2 was on Letterman for 5 straight nights. I watched, because I always watch Dave. Yes, U2 still sucks. The shot with them pretending to shovel snow was my favorite. In a righteous world, these hacks would be doing manual labor, not acting like the second coming.

Chris Brown is seeking counseling to become a “better person” in light of the beat down he gave Rihanna. It’s a shame there isn’t a 12 step program for SUCKING.

General Motors has stopped supporting Documentary filmmaker Ken Burns after more than 2 decades, citing the financial crisis. Because, you know, it was the all the Ken Burns documentaries that brought GM down, not making poor cars, giving executives huge, undeserved bonuses, or ridiculous perks, right. Genius move guys.

Coolio was arrested in Los Angeles International Airport for Drug possession. Like the rest of you, I’m also wondering why he didn’t use the money for food.

-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com

Ticketmaster SUCKS! They’ve been terrible for decades, so that’s not a newsflash, but last weeks fiasco during the on sale for the upcoming Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band tour was a new low for even them. Redirecting people to the website of a ticket reseller that they OWN is fraudulent, nutty and just plain WRONG! Ticketmaster can say what they want, but no one is going to convince me that they aren’t giving their subsidiary preferential access to great seats. They shouldn’t be allowed to own a ticket broker, pure and simple.

It’s been awhile since Britney Spears has shown her Vagina in public. Just saying.
 
The officials from the school districts in Pittsburgh who scheduled a “Delayed Opening” the day after the Super Bowl, should be Fired! This sort of slacker mentality is precisely what’s wrong with our country. If a parent wants to keep their child home from school one day, it’s THEIR decision. School officials who made this call failed miserably and should be held accountable.

Burger King is now serving the Angry Whopper. This item has a burger patty topped with angry onions (whatever they are), jalapeños, pepper jack cheese, bacon, tomatoes, lettuce and mayonnaise topped with angry sauce (do I want to know?) on a bun. If all of that’s not enough you can get a Double Angry Burger. Dear Burger King, is business bad? How about actually putting beef in your burgers instead of focusing on lame marketing campaigns and serving slop to your customers?! I know, I have a lot of great ideas, call me sometime I’m happy to share.

This Octo-Mom woman who already had 6 kids, and just popped out another 8, is an excellent argument for government sponsored sterilization. She’s single, jobless and if you’ve seen her interviewed, clearly brainless and insane. Someone needs to step in and stop her, before she gets knocked up again.

Axl Rose has said that he or Slash would die before a Guns n’ Roses reunion would take place. Your lips to God’s ears Axl, your lips to God’s ears.

-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com