Not many automobiles claim the pedigree or style of Jaguar:  the sleek lines…the racing heritage…the scores of burled walnut on the dashboard…the way it looks like a long, fat metallic penis.   Hell, their cars are so highly regarded there are TWO ways to pronounce their name: Jag-Wahr (for the unenlightened) and Jag-U-Ar (for the pedants…or the British).  Yes, the British claim Jaguar as their own and they may or may not have to right to do so.  And we’re not sure they’ll want to keep claiming it after we analyze the potential gayness of the brand.  Let us now explore these critically important topics.

Company History

The company was founded by Sir William Lyons in 1922 [Sir William…so wonderfully BRITISH!].   However, the name “Jaguar” did not appear on a car until 1935.  Sir William’s original company name choice?  The Swallow Sidecar Company.  Rumor has it that Sir Billy chose that name because “The Spit Sidecar Company” sounded far too vulgar for civilized transportation.

After several decades as a prominent British luxury brand, Ford Motors purchased Jaguar in 1989.  Ford flipped the brand to Indian car conglomerate Tata Motors late last year, where it is operated as part of Jaguar Land Rover Group.  Repeated calls to Tata Motors executives produced heated denials that the Group name is a clever synonym for cruising.

The Namesake

The feline inspiration for the car brand is one of the most intriguing creatures in nature.  Don’t believe me?  Just ask the foremost British historical zoological expert on the jaguar.  His name?  Oh, dear readers, we kid you not:  Reginald Pocock.  At this point, the column is basically writing itself.

So, back to the cat.  In stature, the jaguar has a well-defined and powerfully-built body.  It is renowned for its stalk-and-ambush nature, with a jaw so powerful it can bite directly through the skull of its prey to deliver a fatal blow to the brain.  Muscular?  Predatory?  Bitchy?!?  Yup, the jaguar seems pretty frickin’ gay to us.  Need more info:  Male jaguars reach sexual maturity by the age of four and jaguar adults generally meet only to mate.  Throw in some ecstasy and a dance club bathroom and you’ve got the Animal Planet version of Friday night in Chelsea.  And that’s without even inviting Pocock to the party. 

At this point, would it be sheer overkill to mention that the jaguar is strict carnivore, feeding only on meat?  Perhaps.  However, we will mention that they use feces to mark their territory, but only because the word “feces” makes us laugh.

Bonus fact:  The jaguar is a national symbol of Brazil.  In fact, Brazilians believed the fat of the cat would give them courage, as if it were some sort of magical lubricant.  And just what did they do with this Houdinian flab?  They rubbed it onto the body of young boys to make them strong and protect them against “evil”.  The only evil we see here is how the Sunday Style Section in Noticias de Brazil could get away with the headline “CAT BLUBBER: SATAN’S KRYPTONITE”.  Shoddy state-run newspapers!

Oh, and did we mention the producers of Seussical: the Musical 2 have already contacted us to license “the fat of the cat”?  Hell, we think we should win a Pulitzer just for using “Houdini” as an adjective.

The Cars

Let’s face it; Jaguars generally look like mechanical penises with shiny paint jobs.  If that’s not bad enough, the manufacturer then places a sterling silver Jaguar emblem on the hood which, in turn, looks like a small, sterling silver penis.  That’s penis on penis, people.  We haven’t taken Statistics in a while, but Penis² (that’s “Penis-Squared”) strikes us as kinda un-straight.

Plus, there are two types of hood ornaments for the Jag:  the aforementioned silver pee-pee (the “Leaper”) and a flat, round badge with a picture of a roaring cat-head (the “Growler”).  Growling? Leaping?  Sounds remarkably like pre-naptime activity at Nathan Lane’s house.  Hey Nathan… how come we never get invited back?

And phallics aside, it’s just too damn easy to call the car Faguar…I mean, Fag-U-Ar [God, you Brits can make anything sound haughty].

The Final Analysis:

BRITISH
Pip, Pip, Cheeri-NO.  The brand lost its Britishness long ago.

 
GAY
Nope.  Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, these cars get too many straight (albeit undeserving) men girlie action.  And, hey, at least it’s not called a Hummer. 

ELTON
Baby, you can drive my car.  

-Sir Martin Beaverton

So where do we get off even remotely suggesting that the quintessential icon of British machismo is gay?  And by how much does the gay quotient actually rise by using the word ‘machismo’ in a sentence?  Well, consider the facts and make your own judgments as to whether James Bond is the most deeply closeted movie protagonist in history.

Does my next service come with a free Jiffy Lube?

James Bond is clearly obsessed with phallic-shaped objects.  Think about the long line of Bond-mobiles: from the Aston Martin V12 to the BMWZ8 to the Jaguar XKR to the Lotus Esprit.  Hell, even the Ford Thunderbird Bond used in Die Another Day looks like a giant dildo.  Oh, and we won’t even mention that most of those cars have interiors designed to look like cockpits.  No, we won’t mention that.

And, of course, James never leaves his flat without a nice, long-barreled firearm strapped to his holster.   Oh sure, he was a spy on dangerous missions, but even when he was going to the Shop Rite for pudding pops, he would hold that thing tighter than a fat kid with a candy-coated turkey leg. 

And those gadgets!  They are gayer than Perez Hilton’s curling iron.  The Flute Radio (Live And Let Die)?  A Perfume Flame Thrower (Moonraker)?  Rocket-Firing Cigarette (You Only Live Twice)?  The Fake Nipple (Man With The Golden Gun)? And how about this triple bill from The Spy Who Loved Me:  Decapitating Tea Set, Deadly Hookah and a Sludge-Shooting Exhaust Pipe.  A Tea Set?  A pipe that emits brown goo?!?  James, even Lance Bass is laughing at you now.  Oh, and we won’t stoop so low to mention all those Homing devices and how “Homing” looks like “Homo” and makes us chuckle.  No, we won’t mention that.

How about the much-vaunted Bond music themes?   Ah yes, those musical tributes to masculinity featuring Madonna, Shirley Bassey, Sheena Easton, Tina Turner, Carly Simon and…Lulu??   Any gay icons missed here?  Why not just contract Cher and Liberace to duet on them for life?  Plus, consider this line from “Man With The Golden Gun”: ‘He has a powerful weapon/ He charges a million a shot / His eye may be on you or me / Who will he bang?’.  We’re guessing Stavro Blofeld.

Ah, what a wonderful segue to our next topic:  Bond Women.  Until recently, “Bond Girls” (which, although part of the lexicon of motion picture history, is a certain misogynistic moniker), were objectified and stereotyped, especially in light of James Bond’s often chauvinistic actions.  Check out these (wonderful and clever) names:  Pussy Galore, Honey Ryder, Holly Goodhead, Dr. Molly Warmflash, Miranda Frost, Tiffany Case.  Their roles as Bond’s love interests, partners, or enemies have all been characterized by 1) their submission to his charismatic persona or 2) their generalization as helpless bimbo/victims.  So in James’ world the woman are objects and not individuals. 

Translation:  James Bond hates women.  Not only are most of his relationships with woman non-romantic, they even border on abusive.  James never met a woman he didn’t like — to forcibly have sex with.  Sometimes, the abuse was even more despicable.  Case in point:  In Live and Let Die he deceives Jane Seymour in order to steal her virginity.  Yes, James, nice move…because all women LOVE semi-rape.
And even when woman are imbued with intelligence (Denise Richards playing a nuclear scientist in Die Another Day) – its like a backhanded slap to females everywhere.  Denise Richards?  Nuclear F’In Scientist???  James’ cigarette holder is more capable of balancing equations than that dumbass.

And talk about overcompensating.  James seems to need to go to the greatest of lengths to prove his masculinity: by conquering the lesbian community.  Pussy Galore, anyone?  But, sure, James is so fly, even the most phallic of women crave him.  Typical closet behavior.

This object is by no means a reference to my penis.

The newest James Bond – Daniel Craig – is also rapidly advancing the “James is Gay” cause by urging the producers to include a gay scene and, more laughably, by arriving for his first Bond press conference on a speedboat wearing a lifejacket. “Daniel…you are the Weakest Twink…Goodbye”. 

Oh, and we’re not going to mention that the gayest of designers – Tom Ford- was hired to design much of the Bond wardrobe in A Quantum of Solace.  No, we won’t mention that.

Need more proof?  James never ages, he regularly drinks pink champagne, he smoked for five decades, he never stops boozing or chasing skirt (overcompensating!), he never settles for anything less than the best clothes, and here’s the kicker:  James Bond lives the most extravagant existence imaginable, yet you never see him spending money.  So who supports this lavish lifestyle? An old Queen. 

Oh, and we’re not even going to mention that first scene in Casino Royale where Bond wins the Aston Martin DB5 and orders a Mount Gay Rum with soda.  No, we won’t mention that at all.

 GAY

Even we don’t want to believe that someone who banged Barbara Bach is gay.  That keeps you safe too, Ringo.  Under proclamation from Moneypenny, I hereby declare you, James Bond, to be a straight shooter.

BRITISH

Like tea, crumpets and a Burberry bumbershoot.

-Martin Beaverton

Here’s the scene: you take a beautiful girl on a date to a four-star restaurant, tempting her with a thrilling five-course meal, punctuated by a selection of the finest wines.  Then, as the two of you are about to indulge in a decadent, chocolate-laden dessert as a prelude to a certain romp in the sheets, you say to the waitress “Excuse me, do you have any chamomile?” [Insert sound of car crash]. And that concludes the hopeful-you-will-still-get-laid portion of your date. 

So what’s the deal?  Tea is tasty.  It’s high in antioxidants.  It comes in all sorts of flavors, such as peach, peppermint and even sleepytime.  And all the wonderful colors!!   Black, green, white, sorta dirt-water brown.  And there’s your problem, Francis.  Even the act of simply describing tea can turn an ultimate fighting champion into Richard Simmons’ wardrobe consultant.  So, yes, it’s kinda gay.  But more on that later.

For those of you who live on a different planet than the rest of us (and you know who you are), tea is the most consumed beverage in our world (after water).   Still not ringing a bell?  How’s this: it is an aromatic drink, prepared from dried leaves of some unpronounceable plant in combination with really, really hot water.  No?  Ummm…Lipton makes lots of it.  Ok, last try: the Queen Mother likes to drink it at 4:00 pm with buttered crumpets and stimulating conversation.  Oh, THAT tea! 

See, even dudes from another planet associate tea with Great Britain.  The former mother country began importing tea all the way back in the 1660’s, so it’s no shocker that many think of it as British.  In fact, the Brits loved tea so damn much that they traded for it with vast supplies of opium.  Nigel and Simon must have had some serious caffeine addiction to actually pay for this stuff with Elizabethan crack. 

But here’s the point:  Great Britain had to TRADE for tea because it wasn’t theirs.  You see, Tea originated in Southeast Asia.  And no matter how many people in England consume it or how often it is viewed as a symbol of Britishness, it is NOT British.

So does that make Tea gay?  Well, here’s more to consider.  A “tea-bag” is street slang for a man dipping his testicles into the open mouth of another person (you know, like dipping a tea bag in and out of a cup of water).  Sure, the open mouth COULD belong to a woman, but it also could not.  Plus, a Wikipedia entry on Tea stated the following:

“Tea became an important lubricant of Britain’s global trade, contributing to Britain’s global dominance by the end of the eighteenth century.”

Tea…a lubricant?!?  The evidence is mounting but we’re keeping an open mind.

The Final Verdict:
 

GAY
Too many soccer moms enjoy it iced.  So we are reluctant to call it a gay beverage.

 
BRITISH
No matter how much Morning Thunder Charles and Camilla consume, Tea did not originate there; so we cannot call it British.

 
BOTH
Nope, neither.  VIVA LA TEABAG!

 
-Martin Beaverton

He’s one of the most hated villains in television history. He’s destroyed more dreams than Freddy Krueger. He makes more people cry than a decimated 401(k). And he might be the only person on earth who can make a squeaky-voiced, questionably-talented, drug-addled, musical has-been who likes to fondle teenage contestants (that would be Paula Abdul) actually appear likable. He is Simon Cowell, the vitriolic lead judge on American Idol.

Now, every good show needs a bad guy to create tension; otherwise, you’d have Sesame Street running 50 times a week (albeit without the orange and yellow colored characters). So, no one is complaining about the fact that the main show dynamic –and appeal– of American Idol is the What’s-Simon-Going-To-Say-Next? factor. Some appreciate his candor. Some find him funny. Fine; no problem. But it makes us wonder if Simon’s anger toward singing stick figures is a sign of latent gayness.

No one questions his Britishness. He’s pompous. He has the cheeky accent. He has the haughty demeanor. He has the requisite four-name British birthplace (Brighton, East Sussex, England). Hell, he was even brought up in a place called “Elstree, Hertfordshire” (is there anything more British than THAT?). And I’m sure that one day soon, the Queen will knight him and we’ll have to deal with an even more insufferable Sir Simon. And that serves as a great jump-off for discussing his apparent gayness.

In many ways, Simon is the pinpoint stereotype of a Queen (think Perez Hilton not Elizabeth II). He is perpetually bitchy. He worships at the altar of Botox. He tears apart people who are far more talented than he. His swagger suggests a means to overcompensate for inadequacy. His wardrobe consists almost entirely of skintight man-boob t-shirts. And his comments are laced with the special rage of someone who is angry that he is trapped in a man’s body (uh, maybe). But more than all of the above put together, this is a guy who made Clay Aiken an Idol. The Defense rests.

Simon, I don’t mean to be rude, but under proclamation from the Duke of Dumpers, the Baron of Buttcakes and the Knights of Perpertual Pee Pee, we hereby deem you…

GAY
Yep.

 
BRITISH
Quite.

 
BOTH
The bitch is back.

-Martin Beaverton

Buy American Idol Products HERE

David Bowie’s real name is distinctively British (David Robert Jones), he was born in Brixton, and has presumably given his gun-of-Brixton to numerous women including his supermodel wife, we’ve still got to ask, is David Bowie gay or British?

Bowie’s early career began with him recording singles under the name The Manish Boys, suspect to say the least.  In addition, upon hearing Little Richard’s “Tutti Frutti” Bowie remarked that he had “heard God.”  Really?  In Little Richard?

The glam-rock star is rumored to have met his first wife because they were “fucking the same bloke” at the time.  Additionally, that same wife wrote she once had a threesome with Mick and Bowie.  The Mick Bowie relationship is a whole other article all together.  In a 1976 interview with Playboy Bowie remarked, “It’s true—I am bisexual.”  Wow, it’s really piling up.  Then in a 1983 Rolling Stone interview Bowie said that his comments about his bisexuality was “the biggest mistake I ever made.”

The whole glam-rock thing is a bit suspect.  Make-up is for women and men who dress like women, presumably because they are gay, right?  But, being a rock star is awfully British.  The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones, and Bowie were all sex symbols for a heterosexual world.  And Bowie, need I remind you, is married to a supermodel.

Let’s get to the verdict.

GAY
An admission of guilt, a publicized affair with a man, wearing make-up, all add up to a convincing verdict.

BRITISH
David Robert Jones is a rock star with piles of money, fame, and women.

BOTH
There may be overwhelming evidence for the gay title, but, we’re still scared to call it one or the other.

The toughness of tennis has always been up for debate, but there is a more specific issue that needs to be addressed.  Is tennis gay or British?  The sport was conceived by Major Harry Gem and Augurio Perera in the mid-1800s, and was based on a game played by British soldiers.  It took a turn for the worst with the inception of the Leamington Spa, the world’s first tennis club.

What confuses early tennis with other sports that most find neither gay nor British are the similarities: they are played on grass, involve hitting a ball for points, and large competitions all over the world are held to find the best in each of the sports.  So why has tennis received such a bad wrap as a sissy sport?  There are a few reasons, let’s discuss.

Topping the list is the men’s attire.  Short shorts (typically white) and polo shirts for the men are enough to make you question someone’s sexuality.  More recently we’ve seen headbands that don’t exactly strike the fear of a skullcap worn by, say, Ray Lewis.  This brings us to another curious tennis practice: the grunt.  We’ve all heard it, that awkward “UH!” belted out by today’s biggest male stars.  I understand the need to make noise when engaging in a form of exertion, but, tennis?  Really?

When women get involved is when the situation gets complex.  Above all, there are some very attractive, heterosexual, female tennis stars.  Maria Sharapova, Martina Hingis, Simona Halep, Anna Kournikova, and Serena Williams are just a few of the names that come to mind.  In the same way the men are scantily clad, so are the women.  For the many creepster photographers of the world, a tennis match is a great place to catch a would-be underwear shot of a very attractive young athlete.  And, of course, the grunt.  It is, however, important to remember that the first openly gay international athlete was a female tennis player.

The game itself has a scoring system that makes little sense and the term for zero is “love.”  What kind of love are we talking about here?  Enough, let’s get to the verdict.

GAY
The questionable male attire and loud grunts are the fuel on this homoerotic fire.

BRITISH
Attractive, distinguished women, with accents, are not only British, but very heterosexual.

DEUCE!

Drew Carey and soccer fans show their support for soccer, the Wizard of Oz, and the color teal with this Seattle Sounders supporter club soccer scarf

Now that fall is here in many American Urban cities white people will be wearing their scarves with t-shirts.  So when you spot a guy on the subway, or maybe in Brooklyn, wearing a large purple and sky blue scarf lovingly draped over his American Apparel t-shirt you may ask yourself: gay or British?  We all know that many Americans like the idea of soccer and scarves.  So, we thought we would analyze the soccer scarf in this edition of Gay or British.

Originating in Britain in the early 1900’s, brightly colored scarves have been traditional supporter wear for fans of soccer clubs across the world, even those in warmer climates were wearing the scarves while it was 92 degrees.  Insane.  These scarves come in a wide variety of sizes and are woven in a team’s particular colors and may contain the club crest, pictures of renowned players, and various slogans relating to the history of the club and its rivalries with other teams.  The most popular and traditional design is alternating bars of the teams colors (sound familiar?).  Keep in mind soccer teams don’t always have the best color combinations.  Many team supporter groups, because of this color clash, produce their own scarf designs. Most of these supporter scarves are designed by nerds, so they make use of the color black and usually include some sort of animal, mythical creature, or medieval weapon. It makes you think that before discovering the worlds “beautiful game” these guys were in their basements fighting over who would be the next Dungeon Master.

As part of pre-match build-up, or during matches, fans will create a “scarf wall” in which all the fans in a section of the stadium will stretch out their scarves above their heads with both hands, creating an impressive wall of color, usually accompanied by the singing of the club anthem. This was initially solely a British phenomenon, but has since spread to the rest of Europe, South America, and the major urban areas of the United States, most without a pro soccer team.

GAY

A colorful scarf is part of most gay men’s wardrobe and soccer scarves sure are colorful.

BRITISH

Britain, the birthplace of the soccer scarf and, well, soccer (football).

BOTH

Didn’t Elton John own a soccer team?