For the unaware, Alex Rodriguez – the most heralded baseball player of his generation who previously claimed on national television that he never, ever used performance-enhancing drugs- was outed for, well, using performance-enhancing drugs.  In an attempt to regain lost credibility, Alex scheduled a press conference to set the record straight.  No follow-up questions were allowed, but this worked in A-Rod’s favor as many of these would have been questions such as “How much is a gallon of gas on your planet, Alex?” and “HAHAHAHAHA!” (oh wait, that’s not a question). 

According to Alex, however, we should just let all of this pass as he didn’t know any better and he didn’t know exactly what he was putting into his body.  After all, he was “young and stupid”.  Did you hear that, world?  He was YOUNG AND STUPID.  How many times did he inject these words into his speech?  (See Alex, all that practice injecting finally came in handy for something!).  Ok, maybe we can all swallow a mea culpa based on the irascible youth of – oh, I don’t know- a fifth-grader.  Hell, I’ll even give most post-pubescents a performance-enhancing stupidity pass.  But when your behavior in question happens three years shy of the age of THIRTY, its hard to swallow a throw-down of the youth card.  Plus, A-Rod is notorious for being paranoid about what he consumes (he apparently won’t eat processed foods).  So, you mean to tell me, someone who won’t eat a Keebler cookie would put a illegally-obtained substance into his body without knowing what it is, especially while he was uncertain that it had any benefits?  Halloween 5 was more believable.

And as for the neck injury which he claimed scared him straight and made him give up his steroid-enhanced ways, he continued to use the illicit substance(s) for NINE MONTHS after this epiphany.  For the rest of humankind, an emotional discovery such as the one he claimed leads to an immediate change of behavior.  Not in Alex’s world.  I wonder if his wife also had an epiphany when she found out she was pregnant, since she gave birth nine months later.

About the only truth I could discern was when Alex said he wanted to put this behind him.  Really, Alex, do you?  Do you really want to lock this treasured time away, simply to be forgotten?  Of COURSE you do, because all the revelations have proven you to be a card carrying member of Stupid.   My favorite part of the press conference was his fake choking-up when addressing his teammates, as if his script read “[ALEX, INSERT REAL EMOTION HERE]“.  The funniest part of all is, he couldn’t even muster a tear during this emotional detour of silence that seemingly lasted 2 minutes, although he did look like was trying really, really hard to reach maximum waterworks.  A for effort, A-Rod.

The comedy of errors that is Alex Rodriguez’s life actually hit a high point last year when A-Rod hired Madonna’s manager, Guy Oseary, to create a profile for him beyond baseball.  Guy then seemingly concocted a grand plan involving his 2 biggest clients.  I could almost hear the pitch meeting for this super-scheme now:

A-Rod:  I am the greatest baseball player of all time and I have zero endorsements!
Guy O:  Don’t sweat it, baby. I’ll have you in every supermarket rag in America.
A-Rod:  Is this gonna involve me having to speak to the public?  Because I have tendency to lie on camera.
Guy-O:  Nah, baby…all you have to do is come out of Madonna’s apartment and have your picture taken by a photographer I tip off.
A-Rod:  Madonna is down with all of this?
Guy-O:  Hell yeah!  You just have to assign 130% of your annual salary to some unspellable Jewish religion involving wizards and dragons or something.
A-Rod:  Ok.  Ummm…wait…isn’t 130 more than 100?
Guy-O:  Hell yeah!
A-Rod:  Sign me up!

Ok, the logic of this plan is, get middle American housewives to know A-Rod’s name, send his profile recognition into the stratosphere and this would translate into huge endorsement opportunities.  Only thing is, the only person who came off as remotely sympathetic was his wife Cynthia, who “ran” into the waiting arms of has-been rocker Lenny Kravitz, another Guy Oseary client, who coincidentally -just coincidentally- had an album and tour to publicize at this time.  Oh yeah, US Weekly readers sure knew who A-Rod was now.  Only thing is, he looked less like a famous ballplayer and more like a lying, cheating, pampered, egomaniac with a fetish for faux-British accented AARP members.

So all this misguided effort led to A-Rod getting a blink-and-you’ll-miss-him appearance looking like a doofus in a Rock Band video game/Risky Business parody with 3 other stars who have no problem getting endorsements (Tony Hawk, Michael Phelps and Kobe Bryant). Oh, and if you think Alex had trouble getting endorsements before, its more likely now that the cast of The L Word gets paid to shill Levitra.  And since he claimed (initially) that he bought the steroids over-the-counter from GNC, then perhaps we can now persuade GNC to sign him up to push their new over-the-border line of Dominican Tic-Tacs.  Who would’ve thought you could pack so many hormones in a one and a half calorie breath mint?  I love science.  But seriously, Alex, I have a brilliant endorsement idea for you:  create a line of #13 branded-gear and call it the “Wear My IQ” line.  Now mail 20% of the proceeds to me.

And just a tip, Alex. Next time you decide to come clean on a massive lie, it might be wise to tell the crisis management company you hired NOT to send a representative to your press conference–that kinda, sorta kills your cred.   Alex, even Kobe is laughing at you now.  Speaking of which, how many diamond carats will Cynthia get for standing by you through this?

A final thought: what’s going to happen when Selena Roberts (who has a LOT of credibility right now) releases her book and a whole lot more is revealed?  Like maybe how you juiced in Seattle (when you were even younger and stupider!).   A liar lies.  But at least Alex Rodriguez told the truth about being stupid.

-John Lavallo

Jay McGwire, Mark’s brother felt that need to announce that the retired baseball player used steroids. What a stunning revelation. In other news, the sky is blue.

I heard U2’s new single, “Get On Your Boots.” The song is an absolutely molten pile of shit. It keeps their place as the most overrated band in the history of rock music intact. Someone please pick Bono up by his ankles and kill Tom Cruise WITH him. That way we’ll be rid of two annoying, talentless hacks.

Why is the US Airways pilot being treated as the second coming? I’m sure it’s difficult to land a plane on water, but last I checked, landing a plane IS HIS JOB! Chill out people!

Word is that Joe Torre really rips A-Rod in his soon to be released book about the time he spent with the Yankees. My only question: Joe, what took you so long to tear in to that useless prima donna? He folds under pressure and is a constant distraction. Too bad you didn’t tear him a new one publicly when you were still managing the Yankees.

Michael Jackson’s Thriller album may become a Broadway Musical. Quite frankly I’m more interested in the story of his transformation from black child pop star to white adult (alleged) child molester.

When NBC moves Jay Leno to 10:00 PM he’s still going to suck harder than a drowning man gasping for his last breath of air. However, in his new earlier time slot, more of the viewers will be conscious enough to realize he hasn’t had a funny or original idea since the Reagan Administration.

Am I the only one who doesn’t give a rat’s ass that George Clooney is returning for a “special” episode during the final season of ER?

Glad to see the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame is finally going to induct Little Anthony & the Imperials. Seriously how are they in and Rush, The Moody Blues, Jethro Tull, Iron Maiden, & Chicago to name but a few are not? With every year that these true legends of rock and hard rock are left out the Rock Hall makes itself more obsolete and irrelevant.