Gay/straight, male/female, black/white, it doesn’t matter… we all have a man crush on Derek Sanderson Jeter, and well who doesn’t love DJ?

Derek likes to shave... now buy a Gillette!

Derek Jeter plays shortstop for the New York Yankees… the NEW YORK YANKEES! Not only is he the shortstop, he is the Yankee Captain and has a slew of World Series rings, gold gloves, and other various trophy hardware that could fill any respectable athlete’s “Cribs” trophy room (right next to the Scarface poster and 80” flat screen).

Jeter is 34, single and has dated the two hottest Jessicas (Biel and Alba) on the planet… not to mention Tyra Banks, Scarlett Johansson, a handful of Miss Universes, and well Mariah Carey (even DJ makes an E-6 once and a while). He is also rich… REALLY RICH! Jeter makes 19 million dollars a year before endorsements and shills for the biggest companies on the planet including Nike, Gatorade, Gillette, and let’s never forget Skippy!

DJ loves the ladies! Jeter with ex Jessica Biel

Jeter is the Yankee Captain, which in NYC means he is the prince of the big apple, the greatest city in the world. He probably never has to pay for a meal and can walk into any club with the VIP treatment, even rockin’ out his Bill Cosby circa 1985 garb that would have any of us sent to the back of the line.

When the sports press says he is on the decline, can’t play shortstop, and shouldn’t lead off… he continually proves them all wrong.

DJ can even wear a dress and a wig on SNL and we all think it’s cool. Jeter has that x-factor we all love, that regular guy quality even though we all know he is a good looking superstar millionaire.

He is the anti A-Rod.

We all love Derek Jeter.

The argument that Joe was offered a contract he didn’t accept is a weak one. The offer in question was an insult. What they should have done is give him anything he wanted to stay. That said, the Yankees had the right to fire Joe if they wanted, however taking the cowards path is a blemish they won’t ever wipe away. It stands like the Yankees own Scarlett Letter, taunting them for their reckless, discomforting, and incredibly poor decision.

In his place they hired Joe Girardi, a former Yankee. Popular wisdom indicates he was chosen over Don Mattingly because he was perceived to be tougher than the beloved former 1st baseman. Normally when the Yankees do something they go all in. This was a rare case in which they did not. If hiring a tough manager was their mandate, they should have gotten the best one available. Without question that individual would have been Buck Showalter. He laid the foundation that eventually became the 1996 Championship team. After that he built the Diamondbacks from the ground up, obsessing over every detail, even the uniforms. Again he was gone the season before a title. This is no coincidence. Buck Showalter is a King Maker. If they didn’t want to go back to the well for a former Yankees manager, they could have gotten Bobby Valentine, he’s dying to return from Japan and back to the big leagues.

However they went with Girardi, perhaps impressed by his sole season helming the Florida Marlins. To be kind, his first season managing the Yankees was a disaster. He lied to the media, didn’t play it straight with all his players, and made a host of questionable decisions throughout the season. His one strong suit was managing the bullpen. However, having Mariano Rivera at the end of the bullpen would make anyone look good. Some gave him a pass because it was his first year at the helm. That’s just nonsense. He did significantly worse than Joe had done in 2007. There was nothing, truly, worth praise. Watching him in post game interviews I got the impression that 24’s Jack Bauer would give up more information about US Security, if interrogated, than Girardi ever did about the minute details of a game that just ended. In addition to all of his pre-game, post-game, and in-game shortcomings, Girardi is simply hard to like. As a Yankee fan it pains me not to like my manager, but the truth is I do not. But I would never wish him ill as it would be bad for my team, who I believe should win at any cost.

That brings us to 2009. The Yankees spent an exorbitant amount of money, yes, even for the Yankees. They’re moving into a brand new ballpark, and they haven’t won a championship since 2000, when they pummeled the Mets into their rightful place as perennial 2nd class NY citizens. The time to win is NOW. Making the playoffs isn’t acceptable. If they stumble out of the gate and are not in first place or within breathing distance on Memorial Day weekend, Girardi MUST be fired. At any point in the season that it appears Girardi has lost the team, as I believe he did last year, he MUST be fired. If the Yankees do anything less than win a World Championship in 2009, Girardi absolutely MUST be fired.  There is no acceptable reason to give Girardi any breathing room. The Yankees operate with a mandate to win it all, regardless of price. It seems likely that the price in 2009 will be Girardi’s head.  If he is fired as Yankee manager during, or as a result of the 2009 season, he won’t deserve another job in uniform.

-Gabe Sasso
Freelance Writer
www.gabesview.com
www.gabesletters.com
www.drinkdrycreek.com

For the unaware, Alex Rodriguez – the most heralded baseball player of his generation who previously claimed on national television that he never, ever used performance-enhancing drugs- was outed for, well, using performance-enhancing drugs.  In an attempt to regain lost credibility, Alex scheduled a press conference to set the record straight.  No follow-up questions were allowed, but this worked in A-Rod’s favor as many of these would have been questions such as “How much is a gallon of gas on your planet, Alex?” and “HAHAHAHAHA!” (oh wait, that’s not a question). 

According to Alex, however, we should just let all of this pass as he didn’t know any better and he didn’t know exactly what he was putting into his body.  After all, he was “young and stupid”.  Did you hear that, world?  He was YOUNG AND STUPID.  How many times did he inject these words into his speech?  (See Alex, all that practice injecting finally came in handy for something!).  Ok, maybe we can all swallow a mea culpa based on the irascible youth of – oh, I don’t know- a fifth-grader.  Hell, I’ll even give most post-pubescents a performance-enhancing stupidity pass.  But when your behavior in question happens three years shy of the age of THIRTY, its hard to swallow a throw-down of the youth card.  Plus, A-Rod is notorious for being paranoid about what he consumes (he apparently won’t eat processed foods).  So, you mean to tell me, someone who won’t eat a Keebler cookie would put a illegally-obtained substance into his body without knowing what it is, especially while he was uncertain that it had any benefits?  Halloween 5 was more believable.

And as for the neck injury which he claimed scared him straight and made him give up his steroid-enhanced ways, he continued to use the illicit substance(s) for NINE MONTHS after this epiphany.  For the rest of humankind, an emotional discovery such as the one he claimed leads to an immediate change of behavior.  Not in Alex’s world.  I wonder if his wife also had an epiphany when she found out she was pregnant, since she gave birth nine months later.

About the only truth I could discern was when Alex said he wanted to put this behind him.  Really, Alex, do you?  Do you really want to lock this treasured time away, simply to be forgotten?  Of COURSE you do, because all the revelations have proven you to be a card carrying member of Stupid.   My favorite part of the press conference was his fake choking-up when addressing his teammates, as if his script read “[ALEX, INSERT REAL EMOTION HERE]“.  The funniest part of all is, he couldn’t even muster a tear during this emotional detour of silence that seemingly lasted 2 minutes, although he did look like was trying really, really hard to reach maximum waterworks.  A for effort, A-Rod.

The comedy of errors that is Alex Rodriguez’s life actually hit a high point last year when A-Rod hired Madonna’s manager, Guy Oseary, to create a profile for him beyond baseball.  Guy then seemingly concocted a grand plan involving his 2 biggest clients.  I could almost hear the pitch meeting for this super-scheme now:

A-Rod:  I am the greatest baseball player of all time and I have zero endorsements!
Guy O:  Don’t sweat it, baby. I’ll have you in every supermarket rag in America.
A-Rod:  Is this gonna involve me having to speak to the public?  Because I have tendency to lie on camera.
Guy-O:  Nah, baby…all you have to do is come out of Madonna’s apartment and have your picture taken by a photographer I tip off.
A-Rod:  Madonna is down with all of this?
Guy-O:  Hell yeah!  You just have to assign 130% of your annual salary to some unspellable Jewish religion involving wizards and dragons or something.
A-Rod:  Ok.  Ummm…wait…isn’t 130 more than 100?
Guy-O:  Hell yeah!
A-Rod:  Sign me up!

Ok, the logic of this plan is, get middle American housewives to know A-Rod’s name, send his profile recognition into the stratosphere and this would translate into huge endorsement opportunities.  Only thing is, the only person who came off as remotely sympathetic was his wife Cynthia, who “ran” into the waiting arms of has-been rocker Lenny Kravitz, another Guy Oseary client, who coincidentally -just coincidentally- had an album and tour to publicize at this time.  Oh yeah, US Weekly readers sure knew who A-Rod was now.  Only thing is, he looked less like a famous ballplayer and more like a lying, cheating, pampered, egomaniac with a fetish for faux-British accented AARP members.

So all this misguided effort led to A-Rod getting a blink-and-you’ll-miss-him appearance looking like a doofus in a Rock Band video game/Risky Business parody with 3 other stars who have no problem getting endorsements (Tony Hawk, Michael Phelps and Kobe Bryant). Oh, and if you think Alex had trouble getting endorsements before, its more likely now that the cast of The L Word gets paid to shill Levitra.  And since he claimed (initially) that he bought the steroids over-the-counter from GNC, then perhaps we can now persuade GNC to sign him up to push their new over-the-border line of Dominican Tic-Tacs.  Who would’ve thought you could pack so many hormones in a one and a half calorie breath mint?  I love science.  But seriously, Alex, I have a brilliant endorsement idea for you:  create a line of #13 branded-gear and call it the “Wear My IQ” line.  Now mail 20% of the proceeds to me.

And just a tip, Alex. Next time you decide to come clean on a massive lie, it might be wise to tell the crisis management company you hired NOT to send a representative to your press conference–that kinda, sorta kills your cred.   Alex, even Kobe is laughing at you now.  Speaking of which, how many diamond carats will Cynthia get for standing by you through this?

A final thought: what’s going to happen when Selena Roberts (who has a LOT of credibility right now) releases her book and a whole lot more is revealed?  Like maybe how you juiced in Seattle (when you were even younger and stupider!).   A liar lies.  But at least Alex Rodriguez told the truth about being stupid.

-John Lavallo